In looking at my weight loss chart, I can see how much I lost momentum leading up to and after the holiday weekend.
One of the things I like about the Calorie Count site is that I have a food and activity log I can look through going all the way back to when I started using it.
What I see is that I’ve been doing a lot of trade offs and trying to drop my calories to make up for days I messed up. That is obviously not working. Over the last three weeks I can see my sugars, starches, and bad fats going steadily up. Because I stalled out I decreased calories below what I should have and I stopped burning all together. Not enough calories causes the metabolism to slow and the body to hold fat.
Then during the July 4th picnic, despite all of my efforts I went hog wild on sugar. Once I started, it was like I was possessed. It wasn’t anything like; “Well I’ve blown it now. Might as well enjoy it.” No. There were no rationalizations, just absolute, all out gorging on my favorite drug. I had some carrot cake and two kinds of pie, plus two slices of lemon pound cake. When my old familiar friend the sugar rush hit, I almost hit the floor. As it turns out the damage done to my diet wasn’t near as bad as the damage done to me in general. My blood sugar went crazy. I had terrible cravings for days and I was a horrible bitch for a week and a half. It made my cycle really awful as well.
I went right back to my low sugar diet and I’m doing much better. I have stopped the trade offs for a while. I might try it again but a little wiser than before.
I also now know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Sugar is BAAAAAAAD!
Friday, July 17, 2009
Saturday, July 11, 2009
My Life Lesson for This Week: Real Life vs.Discipline
This week went well. Monday thru Thursday I stuck to my food plan or at least made adjustments that were the same calories if not the best food choices. For instance, Thursday we had perch. Fried perch is one of our favorite meals. I bake all the other fish we eat and I’ve tried baking perch. It was not good. We only do it once or twice a month and that’s the only thing I cook that’s fried. It’s worth it. I just planed my day’s calories accordingly, not just for the calories, but also the fats. I also made sure I had a really good work out. If I plan it out, it can still be healthy.
So all week I was disciplined, worked out hard, even when I didn’t want to.
Here is where real life steps in. Last night I went to a concert at Rockin’ on the River (weekly outdoor festival) because a friend was playing. He started at 6 so I would have no time to eat between work and the concert. I knew that I would not be able to resist having a hot dog and a beer, so I planned the days menu around that and packed some carrots in my purse so that I could have one healthy thing at the show and I would feel full. Feeling full would help me stay away from the funnel cakes and fries.
A bunch of us started dancing up front after I had finished my hot dog, carrots, and beer. After we had been up there a while someone brought me another beer. What I really wanted was water. However, being very thirsty I drank the beer. (I should have stopped dancing and got my own water instead) One of my friends finally went and got us all water. We danced through most of the show. I would say I danced for at least 45 minutes and I never stopped. It truly was like an aerobic workout. After the show I was very hot, thirsty, and my muscles were crying out for water and carbs. I went and got 16 ounces of water and drank it, then refilled the bottle at the drinking fountain. I was really hungry. Popcorn is one of my better standbys at these festivals. Unfortunately all they had was kettle corn and the smallest bag was really big. Some one was handing out samples of something in lunch size paper bags. I went and got one, took out the samples and poured enough popcorn to fill the bag. I gave the big bag to the rest of the girls because they were all hungry too (and young and skinny). This was my solution for not eating the whole big bag (because I totally could have).
I was worried I had really gone over my calorie limit so when I got home I plugged in my activity from dancing and my extra carbs from the second beer and the popcorn. As it turned out, all that dancing raised my calorie burn so much that even with the extra calories I was still well within my calorie deficit range. With the added activity I actually needed those extra calories. Was my nutrition analyses good? Not particularly, but my fats were not past what is my highest allowed.
This experience taught me two things:
I can survive a carnival or any other ‘away from home real life situation’ by making the best choices available and limiting my portions. Adding extra activity was also very important.
The other thing I learned is to pack a little more carbs, just in case. If I had packed my multi grain crackers I would have had good carbs, because of the added fiber, and a lot less sugar.
Even with real life thrown in I managed to keep my calorie deficit within range for every day this week. I have good hopes for my weekly weigh in. I usually do my weigh in on Saturday, but because it was so hot last night and I drank that beer, I know I am retaining water. So I’m going to drink a lot of water today and weigh in tomorrow. I’ll post the results.
So all week I was disciplined, worked out hard, even when I didn’t want to.
Here is where real life steps in. Last night I went to a concert at Rockin’ on the River (weekly outdoor festival) because a friend was playing. He started at 6 so I would have no time to eat between work and the concert. I knew that I would not be able to resist having a hot dog and a beer, so I planned the days menu around that and packed some carrots in my purse so that I could have one healthy thing at the show and I would feel full. Feeling full would help me stay away from the funnel cakes and fries.
A bunch of us started dancing up front after I had finished my hot dog, carrots, and beer. After we had been up there a while someone brought me another beer. What I really wanted was water. However, being very thirsty I drank the beer. (I should have stopped dancing and got my own water instead) One of my friends finally went and got us all water. We danced through most of the show. I would say I danced for at least 45 minutes and I never stopped. It truly was like an aerobic workout. After the show I was very hot, thirsty, and my muscles were crying out for water and carbs. I went and got 16 ounces of water and drank it, then refilled the bottle at the drinking fountain. I was really hungry. Popcorn is one of my better standbys at these festivals. Unfortunately all they had was kettle corn and the smallest bag was really big. Some one was handing out samples of something in lunch size paper bags. I went and got one, took out the samples and poured enough popcorn to fill the bag. I gave the big bag to the rest of the girls because they were all hungry too (and young and skinny). This was my solution for not eating the whole big bag (because I totally could have).
I was worried I had really gone over my calorie limit so when I got home I plugged in my activity from dancing and my extra carbs from the second beer and the popcorn. As it turned out, all that dancing raised my calorie burn so much that even with the extra calories I was still well within my calorie deficit range. With the added activity I actually needed those extra calories. Was my nutrition analyses good? Not particularly, but my fats were not past what is my highest allowed.
This experience taught me two things:
I can survive a carnival or any other ‘away from home real life situation’ by making the best choices available and limiting my portions. Adding extra activity was also very important.
The other thing I learned is to pack a little more carbs, just in case. If I had packed my multi grain crackers I would have had good carbs, because of the added fiber, and a lot less sugar.
Even with real life thrown in I managed to keep my calorie deficit within range for every day this week. I have good hopes for my weekly weigh in. I usually do my weigh in on Saturday, but because it was so hot last night and I drank that beer, I know I am retaining water. So I’m going to drink a lot of water today and weigh in tomorrow. I’ll post the results.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Vacation
Vacation is the enemy of weight loss.
I started my vacation yesterday. Every attempt to keep my routine has been thwarted be my greater desire to do what I want. To be able to do the things I don’t have the time for when working. These things, unfortunately, do not include working out. Without that extra exercise, I am left with a very limited amount of calories. Since I am on vacation and it’s a holiday, that number will be exceeded. I fear I will not maintain my rate of weight loss this week. With BBQs and picnics this weekend, I might even gain. This is frustrating and yet I don’t seem to be motivated to do anything differently because i want to just enjoy my vacation. I need to be able to relax and not think about these things. Should I just let it be? If I deny myself the pleasure of not worrying about it now, will I rebel harder later? Maybe, if I just give myself some room and accept the idea of just not gaining weight being good enough, I can think about the best choices I can make this weekend and still do what I want.
Or is that all just a rationalization?
I started my vacation yesterday. Every attempt to keep my routine has been thwarted be my greater desire to do what I want. To be able to do the things I don’t have the time for when working. These things, unfortunately, do not include working out. Without that extra exercise, I am left with a very limited amount of calories. Since I am on vacation and it’s a holiday, that number will be exceeded. I fear I will not maintain my rate of weight loss this week. With BBQs and picnics this weekend, I might even gain. This is frustrating and yet I don’t seem to be motivated to do anything differently because i want to just enjoy my vacation. I need to be able to relax and not think about these things. Should I just let it be? If I deny myself the pleasure of not worrying about it now, will I rebel harder later? Maybe, if I just give myself some room and accept the idea of just not gaining weight being good enough, I can think about the best choices I can make this weekend and still do what I want.
Or is that all just a rationalization?
Thursday, July 2, 2009
My Tools
Calorie counting:
In April I discoverd Caloriecount.com This has become an invaluable tool. It has become my main tool. I was frustrated by my search for a free diet support program. Then in an attempt to find a database for looking up the basic calories for ingredients to my own recipes, I came upon this site by accident. It is much more than a database. I can track everything. My calorie intake and calorie burn. I found out that understanding this relationship is essential to healthy weight loss success.
The formula:
3600 calories = 1 pound
To loose a pound a week: 514 x 7 = 3600
If you can maintain a calorie deficit of 500 a day, you will loose a pound a week.
Exercise is essential. The reality is that the average woman in a sedentary lifestyle will only burn about 1500 calories a day. If you are morbidly obese this number is much smaller. The necessary calorie deficit for effective weight loss is between 300 to 700 a day. 500 is optimal. 1500 minus 500 is 1000 calories. 1000 calories is not healthy. Anything under 1200 calories for women is essentially starvation. You can not get the nutrition your body needs.
My lifestyle is considered sedentary because I work at a desk all day and tend to do sedentary activities at home. i.e. reading, knitting, crafts, art, computer, TV.
Important note: If you have more than a 700 calorie deficit you run the risk of your metabolism slowing. That is the opposite of what you want.
My exercise plan:
I work out 5 times a week and burn between 300 and 500 calories each time. I adjust my meal plan to keep between a 500 and 700 deficit. On my none workout days, I try to take two 20 minute walks. This increases my calorie burn to about 1700 calories for those days. That allows me to still meet my 1200 calorie needs and my 500 calorie deficit goal for the day.
I use a combination of elliptical, treadmill, bike and weights / band work. Since I have physical limitations to consider, I use a combination of the physical therapy exercises that I was given and have added others as recommended by my doctor and chiropractor.
The results have been beneficial for weight loss and mobility.
My food plan:
I have chosen a menu of items that are healthful, fresh, and convenient for work and on the go. I have read labels, used the data base, and planned ahead. I am an emotional eater. Therefore, I must plan my menus ahead. I build my menu the day before or that morning. I always take my lunch. If I order out, I run the risk of temptation and it becomes difficult to know exactly what I’m putting in my body.
If we plan to go out to eat, I pick the restaurant, and get nutrition info for their menu online. I know what I'm going to order before I get to the restaurant. That way, I don't even need to look at the menu. I also eat something like carrot sticks on the way there so I'm not starving when I go into the restaurant and start smelling all the wonderful smells. I do not order desert. In fact I ask the server to take the desert menu away. I don't even want to see it on the table. Of course when with a group of people I have to amend a lot of this because I will not make the experience of eating out with people all about me. It's rude. This is where I can sometimes get into trouble. If I do, I get up the next day and put the day before behind me.
I have built a menu of my own recipes with nutrition and calorie break downs. These recipes are something that my partner will eat as well. This makes dinner time easier on me because I am the cook. If he won’t eat it then I have to make something for him and I am more likely to be too tired to make two meals. This means I loose. Only the foods that are allowed, with a few exceptions, come in the house. If he wants junk, he has to buy it himself and eat it somewhere else. I am lucky; I have a partner that supports my efforts. So when I put my foot down about food, he accepts it.
My menu does not have a lot of variety. At first this was difficult, but soon it became a relief. I didn’t have to make too many hard decisions. This is the reason for success on plans like Nutri System and Jenny Craig. They are doing that for you. The problem is that as soon as you stop eating their food, you gain weight back because you didn’t learn how to do the math on your own.
I have little pleasures built into the menu. I know that chocolate is available at work and at three o’clock, I will eat it. So I have allowed myself two pieces of dark chocolate a day. It must be dark chocolate. Less fat and calories, plus better health benefits. The trick is to have very few empty calories. I buy my own and take two pieces in my purse each day.
There is no added sugar or high fructose corn syrup in my diet. I use Xylosweet (xylotol) as a sugar substitute. Xylosweet is the closest taste to real sugar I have ever had, and it is good for your teeth as well as promoting weight loss. The only thing I need sweetener for is my two cups of coffee in the morning. Yes, I still have my coffee. That is another of the pleasures I insist on keeping.
However, it is the only caffeine, besides the dark chocolate, that I take in. I drink only filtered water the rest of the time. And plenty of it. At least 64 to 75 oz a day. If I must have something else, I have unsweetened green tea. The down side is that it does have caffeine. The up side is that it has healthful properties and has been linked with metabolic health, hence, weight gain support.
The most important thing I have done is completely given up pastries. They are an addiction for me and once I start I cannot stop. I keep away from them like a recovering alcoholic must keep clear of alcohol. The only thing I consider a slip on my diet is when I have a pastry. This is the most difficult part of my diet.
So, low sugar, low sodium, low caffeine, AND high fiber.
Fiber keeps the digestion healthy and you feel fuller. Getting enough fiber will play havoc with those low carb diets. That’s why I stopped using them.
I keep my carbs at 50% of my daily calories and try to make sure that very little are empty calories. The remainder I try to maintain a 25 to 30% of protein with the the rest being good fats. I should have less than 60 grams of sugars a day. 40 is better. Except for the chocolate these will be all natural sugars from fruits and so forth. I aim for 35 grams of fiber a day.
Real life:
As far a alcohol, I have not completely eliminated it. I have it sparingly and figure it into my food plan for the day if I plan to indulge. This way I can easily see how I have had to rob from Peter to pay Paul because they are empty calories and at some point I will feel hunger. It’s not to guilt myself but to make myself aware. I stick to red wine. The drier the wine, the fewer calories and sugars. Beer is a rarity. However, I am Irish and when I go out to an Irish pub for music I must indulge. I look up the number of calories I expect to consume (honestly) and work out how many more calories I have to burn off at the gym.
My plan centers on choices, honesty and awareness.
I faultier when I don’t get online and track my calories or don’t start the day with a plan. When I loose my discipline and just blow a day or two off or I get knocked out of my routine some how; this is how I get off course and stop loosing or I gain.
In April I discoverd Caloriecount.com This has become an invaluable tool. It has become my main tool. I was frustrated by my search for a free diet support program. Then in an attempt to find a database for looking up the basic calories for ingredients to my own recipes, I came upon this site by accident. It is much more than a database. I can track everything. My calorie intake and calorie burn. I found out that understanding this relationship is essential to healthy weight loss success.
The formula:
3600 calories = 1 pound
To loose a pound a week: 514 x 7 = 3600
If you can maintain a calorie deficit of 500 a day, you will loose a pound a week.
Exercise is essential. The reality is that the average woman in a sedentary lifestyle will only burn about 1500 calories a day. If you are morbidly obese this number is much smaller. The necessary calorie deficit for effective weight loss is between 300 to 700 a day. 500 is optimal. 1500 minus 500 is 1000 calories. 1000 calories is not healthy. Anything under 1200 calories for women is essentially starvation. You can not get the nutrition your body needs.
My lifestyle is considered sedentary because I work at a desk all day and tend to do sedentary activities at home. i.e. reading, knitting, crafts, art, computer, TV.
Important note: If you have more than a 700 calorie deficit you run the risk of your metabolism slowing. That is the opposite of what you want.
My exercise plan:
I work out 5 times a week and burn between 300 and 500 calories each time. I adjust my meal plan to keep between a 500 and 700 deficit. On my none workout days, I try to take two 20 minute walks. This increases my calorie burn to about 1700 calories for those days. That allows me to still meet my 1200 calorie needs and my 500 calorie deficit goal for the day.
I use a combination of elliptical, treadmill, bike and weights / band work. Since I have physical limitations to consider, I use a combination of the physical therapy exercises that I was given and have added others as recommended by my doctor and chiropractor.
The results have been beneficial for weight loss and mobility.
My food plan:
I have chosen a menu of items that are healthful, fresh, and convenient for work and on the go. I have read labels, used the data base, and planned ahead. I am an emotional eater. Therefore, I must plan my menus ahead. I build my menu the day before or that morning. I always take my lunch. If I order out, I run the risk of temptation and it becomes difficult to know exactly what I’m putting in my body.
If we plan to go out to eat, I pick the restaurant, and get nutrition info for their menu online. I know what I'm going to order before I get to the restaurant. That way, I don't even need to look at the menu. I also eat something like carrot sticks on the way there so I'm not starving when I go into the restaurant and start smelling all the wonderful smells. I do not order desert. In fact I ask the server to take the desert menu away. I don't even want to see it on the table. Of course when with a group of people I have to amend a lot of this because I will not make the experience of eating out with people all about me. It's rude. This is where I can sometimes get into trouble. If I do, I get up the next day and put the day before behind me.
I have built a menu of my own recipes with nutrition and calorie break downs. These recipes are something that my partner will eat as well. This makes dinner time easier on me because I am the cook. If he won’t eat it then I have to make something for him and I am more likely to be too tired to make two meals. This means I loose. Only the foods that are allowed, with a few exceptions, come in the house. If he wants junk, he has to buy it himself and eat it somewhere else. I am lucky; I have a partner that supports my efforts. So when I put my foot down about food, he accepts it.
My menu does not have a lot of variety. At first this was difficult, but soon it became a relief. I didn’t have to make too many hard decisions. This is the reason for success on plans like Nutri System and Jenny Craig. They are doing that for you. The problem is that as soon as you stop eating their food, you gain weight back because you didn’t learn how to do the math on your own.
I have little pleasures built into the menu. I know that chocolate is available at work and at three o’clock, I will eat it. So I have allowed myself two pieces of dark chocolate a day. It must be dark chocolate. Less fat and calories, plus better health benefits. The trick is to have very few empty calories. I buy my own and take two pieces in my purse each day.
There is no added sugar or high fructose corn syrup in my diet. I use Xylosweet (xylotol) as a sugar substitute. Xylosweet is the closest taste to real sugar I have ever had, and it is good for your teeth as well as promoting weight loss. The only thing I need sweetener for is my two cups of coffee in the morning. Yes, I still have my coffee. That is another of the pleasures I insist on keeping.
However, it is the only caffeine, besides the dark chocolate, that I take in. I drink only filtered water the rest of the time. And plenty of it. At least 64 to 75 oz a day. If I must have something else, I have unsweetened green tea. The down side is that it does have caffeine. The up side is that it has healthful properties and has been linked with metabolic health, hence, weight gain support.
The most important thing I have done is completely given up pastries. They are an addiction for me and once I start I cannot stop. I keep away from them like a recovering alcoholic must keep clear of alcohol. The only thing I consider a slip on my diet is when I have a pastry. This is the most difficult part of my diet.
So, low sugar, low sodium, low caffeine, AND high fiber.
Fiber keeps the digestion healthy and you feel fuller. Getting enough fiber will play havoc with those low carb diets. That’s why I stopped using them.
I keep my carbs at 50% of my daily calories and try to make sure that very little are empty calories. The remainder I try to maintain a 25 to 30% of protein with the the rest being good fats. I should have less than 60 grams of sugars a day. 40 is better. Except for the chocolate these will be all natural sugars from fruits and so forth. I aim for 35 grams of fiber a day.
Real life:
As far a alcohol, I have not completely eliminated it. I have it sparingly and figure it into my food plan for the day if I plan to indulge. This way I can easily see how I have had to rob from Peter to pay Paul because they are empty calories and at some point I will feel hunger. It’s not to guilt myself but to make myself aware. I stick to red wine. The drier the wine, the fewer calories and sugars. Beer is a rarity. However, I am Irish and when I go out to an Irish pub for music I must indulge. I look up the number of calories I expect to consume (honestly) and work out how many more calories I have to burn off at the gym.
My plan centers on choices, honesty and awareness.
I faultier when I don’t get online and track my calories or don’t start the day with a plan. When I loose my discipline and just blow a day or two off or I get knocked out of my routine some how; this is how I get off course and stop loosing or I gain.
My Weight Loss History
This is the history of my weight loss thus far. Once I had a job I was happy with and felt productive and relatively sane again, I dropped rapidly to 160 with relatively little effort. I guess I was getting out of the house more and feeling better, so was not engaging in as much emotional eating as before. I also was making enough money to buy good food, fresh food. By April of 2007, I had decided on a course of action concerning my weight and joined a health club. I began by trying to eat healthier, limiting my portions, and working out to the level I was able. These simple changes did take me to 150 in approximately 10 weeks. I began to feel really good. I started to like what I saw in the mirror and was shopping for smaller cloths. I went to visit my family in my home town and everyone commented on how good I looked. It was very encouraging. The trip, however, threw me off my schedule and placed me in the heart of comfort food central, my family.
My weight loss stalled and I never made it below 150. Winter came with a vengeance and I was once again consumed by the pain the cold brought and the depressive lack of light. Northeast Ohio winters are very gray and if we are lucky enough to see sunny clear blue skies, those skies bring bitter, miserable temperatures.
The winter of 2007/2008 was the winter of loss. A very dear friend was lost the day after Thanksgiving and on January 13, 2008, I lost my father. I reached 160, probably higher. I stopped weighing after 160. I just didn’t want to know. My next effort began in March when I decided that my father would not have wanted me to loose ground in the progress I had made overall in my life because of his death. He would have said to find strength and continue on. So I did. I stopped eating my pain and began channeling it into my music. When I began my weight loss efforts again, I had a time goal in mind. The end of July would be my vacation to visit my son in Chicago. I wanted to look good. I wanted him to see a healthy, happy mother. I wanted him to see that mourning did not have to consume one’s life. In reality I think I needed to look like I was okay, so that I could believe I was okay. I made it to 150, but again, could not make it below. We had a good visit. He said I looked good and he was happy I seemed to be doing alright. He had worried about me and the visit seemed to help put my son at ease. Mission accomplished.
I came home to find that while I was away, my Grandfather had died. In six months my mother lost her husband and her father. When it was time for the memorial, I went home to be with her say goodbye to my grandfather. We spent our days enjoying each other’s company. This included many nice lunches and dinners out. We got a hotel room to just commune as friends. There was wine and cheese. It was a wonderful trip and I went home feeling that Mom and I would be okay. I also went home with a couple of extra pounds. Then winter came and the first holiday season without my father.
By January I once again reached 165. I knew I would begin again. It would just take very hard work and discipline to get to 140 before winter came again.
I know that I must reach 140 before winter and have enough time to maintain it so that my metabolism can stabilize. Then if I begin to give into the carb cravings that our winters trigger, I will have a metabolism that can cope and a little wiggle room without getting back up into the danger zone above 150. I call it the danger zone because it becomes a down hill slide. I don’t know if that is metabolic or emotional or a little of both.
It’s July 2nd and I have stalled again at 150. I have looked at my knowledge, tools and discipline and found them to be sound. My math tells me that if I stick with it, I can theoretically meet my goal by my son’s wedding in September and have time to keep it off (even with a visit home) before winter begins. But I must move past this plateau. So this is where I am now. 10 pounds to go. The 10 ugly pounds that keep kicking my ass.
My weight loss stalled and I never made it below 150. Winter came with a vengeance and I was once again consumed by the pain the cold brought and the depressive lack of light. Northeast Ohio winters are very gray and if we are lucky enough to see sunny clear blue skies, those skies bring bitter, miserable temperatures.
The winter of 2007/2008 was the winter of loss. A very dear friend was lost the day after Thanksgiving and on January 13, 2008, I lost my father. I reached 160, probably higher. I stopped weighing after 160. I just didn’t want to know. My next effort began in March when I decided that my father would not have wanted me to loose ground in the progress I had made overall in my life because of his death. He would have said to find strength and continue on. So I did. I stopped eating my pain and began channeling it into my music. When I began my weight loss efforts again, I had a time goal in mind. The end of July would be my vacation to visit my son in Chicago. I wanted to look good. I wanted him to see a healthy, happy mother. I wanted him to see that mourning did not have to consume one’s life. In reality I think I needed to look like I was okay, so that I could believe I was okay. I made it to 150, but again, could not make it below. We had a good visit. He said I looked good and he was happy I seemed to be doing alright. He had worried about me and the visit seemed to help put my son at ease. Mission accomplished.
I came home to find that while I was away, my Grandfather had died. In six months my mother lost her husband and her father. When it was time for the memorial, I went home to be with her say goodbye to my grandfather. We spent our days enjoying each other’s company. This included many nice lunches and dinners out. We got a hotel room to just commune as friends. There was wine and cheese. It was a wonderful trip and I went home feeling that Mom and I would be okay. I also went home with a couple of extra pounds. Then winter came and the first holiday season without my father.
By January I once again reached 165. I knew I would begin again. It would just take very hard work and discipline to get to 140 before winter came again.
I know that I must reach 140 before winter and have enough time to maintain it so that my metabolism can stabilize. Then if I begin to give into the carb cravings that our winters trigger, I will have a metabolism that can cope and a little wiggle room without getting back up into the danger zone above 150. I call it the danger zone because it becomes a down hill slide. I don’t know if that is metabolic or emotional or a little of both.
It’s July 2nd and I have stalled again at 150. I have looked at my knowledge, tools and discipline and found them to be sound. My math tells me that if I stick with it, I can theoretically meet my goal by my son’s wedding in September and have time to keep it off (even with a visit home) before winter begins. But I must move past this plateau. So this is where I am now. 10 pounds to go. The 10 ugly pounds that keep kicking my ass.
This Blog's Purpose and How I Became Fat
INTRODUCTION
This blog will chronicle my journey through the last 10 pounds that I must loose.
10 pounds doesn't sound like much, but it is everything! Those pounds symbolize me having fully taken my life back. There are the pounds that I have come so close to loosing three times, but failed and eventually gone back to my starting weight. I promise you, the reader, full honesty with regard to my methods, struggles, failures and success. What do I hope to accomplish? My hope is that this blog will hold me accountable, to myself and to you. Also that , in some measure, the account of my journey will help others. I do not intend to bare my entire soul for the sake of confession or narcissism. However, I do intend full disclosure as it relates to my weight loss and the obstacles I face in that regard.
To my friends and acquaintances: If you already know me and some of these disclosures surprise or even shock you, I would ask that you keep it in perspective. This is real risky ground for me. For all of my gabbiness amongst my friends, at times to the point of what could be considered over sharing, I am actually a very private person. I keep secrets. If in a social situation, I share what would be thought to be private information, it is a smoke screen; a closeted shyness. I'm hiding something far more private and telling and attempting to mask my insecurities. Playing the open book keeps people from a desire to look any deeper. It keeps them at a safe distance. No one searches for your secrets if they believe you have none. So now I have risked that you will wonder what else I hide when you read things here that I have pledged to disclose. I risk the judgments of my social circle which is one of my great fears. Please be kind in your assessments. Maybe this sacred space of honesty can accomplish more than it's intended task. Maybe it can also relieve me of my social insecurities and remove the distance in my friendships.
This is the reality of weight loss. Everyone has a story of how they got fat and it relates entirely to what their struggles will be when they begin the task of loosing that weight. The parts of our lives are not perfect compartments. Our entire being, physical, mental, emotional, past, and perceived future are all a part of the process. So I will begin this blog with the story of how I got fat.
HOW I BECAME FAT
Four years ago this past May (it seems like 10 years ago) I had a serious fall. I will not waste effort giving the details other than to say it did lasting damage to my body. I will struggle with my back, my mobility, and pain for the rest of my life. I am presently 43 years old. I will alleviate you of performing the math by telling you I was 39 at the time of my accident. Before the injury I felt 10 years younger and people often mistook me for younger than that. I was in excellent physical shape and very active. I enjoyed having a very active life. Camping, hiking, horseback riding, you name it. I had a very physical job cleaning homes and for a time doing construction rehab. One of my most productive and healing outlets was my work with ceramics and clay sculpture. I handled large amounts of clay and spent countless hours at the potter's wheel.
My personality required and emotional stability depended upon my ability to be in motion.
I have always been a high energy, dynamic person full of ideas and creativity. I enjoy my quite moments with reading, writing, knitting, and meditation, but these seemed to be moments of decompression and refueling rather than my natural state. All of this means that because I was functioning according to my natural needs there was a cushion that allowed me to indulge, with out consequence, in my favorite comfort foods. I am Irish American. The food on the table in my grandparents home, and consequently my home growing up, included many forms of the potato. Also my grandmother was a consummate baker, as am I. All forms of potatoes and baked goods are my decadent pleasures. They are my comfort. I did not have a poor diet. I liked fruits and vegetable and lean meats. I even like vegetarian fare. I only resorted to unhealthy diets as per necessity when dealing with poor finances.
Important note: Being poor, impoverished, is to be poor in diet. Unless you have the land available to grow your own food, inexpensive food is usually bad food.
The inability to be in motion after the injury was devastating not only to my physical being, but most importantly, my mental and emotional well being. Since this was a work related injury there was the added struggle to have my needs met. There was no physical therapy given, no real physical support or healing offered; only pain pills. As the struggle with pain and limited mobility dragged on, by November I was in serious trouble. I had gained 20 pounds, lost much of my muscle tone, and the pain medication was beginning to have terrible effects on my mental and emotional health. As the Ohio winter began taking it's hold the pain increased beyond the help of pain medication and what had already been nights of little productive sleep became nights of virtually no sleep. I spent most nights in a recliner praying for the moment when total exhaustion would finally take me to some measure of sleep.
I became a person who spent my days eating comfort foods and watching day time TV between naps. I became increasingly unstable emotionally and mentally. I was paranoid and severely depressed with moments of mania and angry fits. I refer to the winter of 2005 as the Winter of Fat and Crazy. By January of 2006 I was 180 pounds and horribly disgusted when I looked in the mirror. This did not help my mental state.
One day while escaping in the world of Myspace, I received a call from the insurance company wanting to know how I was doing. I went into a tirade. I vented all of my anger, pain and disgust at that woman. She seemed unwavered. "So I guess that means you are not doing well." she said. "We have a new doctor we would like you to see to be reevaluated." This would be the third examination they had required me to go to and the result was always the same. No help. This trip would have require me to be in a car for forty five minutes of hell to reach the appointed doctor. "Like Hell!" I screamed and slammed down the phone. I was fuming and pacing. I was fully aware at that moment of my victimhood and helplessness. Something in me bubbled up and screamed "NO!" and I knew I had to take my life back. I began making phone calls and did not stop until I had an appointment with Vocational Rehabilitation and a mental health clinic. I called my church and asked if I could volunteer in some capacity relative to my physical ability.
I received the help I needed, began fighting back, and eventually received the physical therapy I needed and some of the treatment I required. I could never go back to the work I had done before and began preparing for a new career. By January of 2007, I had much of my sanity and enough mobility to reclaim some of my former life as well as a new job; a job I love.
What I also had was 35 pounds of extra weight. I still did not feel healthy or in any way attractive. Instead of looking 10 years younger, I looked my age and then some. I felt much older than that.
My counselor and I decided that this was my new challenge. This weight represented the last remnants of my victimhood. I would not feel fully reclaimed until it was gone. In the midst of all of this I had started parimenopause. This would be an added obstacle. With the help of my doctor's advise, I determined that 140 pounds was a reasonable weight to reach and maintain for a medium frame, 5'4 woman in her forties. If I could reach the 135 mark, all the better.
So, in April of 2007, the journey began and I carried all of this baggage with me.
This blog will chronicle my journey through the last 10 pounds that I must loose.
10 pounds doesn't sound like much, but it is everything! Those pounds symbolize me having fully taken my life back. There are the pounds that I have come so close to loosing three times, but failed and eventually gone back to my starting weight. I promise you, the reader, full honesty with regard to my methods, struggles, failures and success. What do I hope to accomplish? My hope is that this blog will hold me accountable, to myself and to you. Also that , in some measure, the account of my journey will help others. I do not intend to bare my entire soul for the sake of confession or narcissism. However, I do intend full disclosure as it relates to my weight loss and the obstacles I face in that regard.
To my friends and acquaintances: If you already know me and some of these disclosures surprise or even shock you, I would ask that you keep it in perspective. This is real risky ground for me. For all of my gabbiness amongst my friends, at times to the point of what could be considered over sharing, I am actually a very private person. I keep secrets. If in a social situation, I share what would be thought to be private information, it is a smoke screen; a closeted shyness. I'm hiding something far more private and telling and attempting to mask my insecurities. Playing the open book keeps people from a desire to look any deeper. It keeps them at a safe distance. No one searches for your secrets if they believe you have none. So now I have risked that you will wonder what else I hide when you read things here that I have pledged to disclose. I risk the judgments of my social circle which is one of my great fears. Please be kind in your assessments. Maybe this sacred space of honesty can accomplish more than it's intended task. Maybe it can also relieve me of my social insecurities and remove the distance in my friendships.
This is the reality of weight loss. Everyone has a story of how they got fat and it relates entirely to what their struggles will be when they begin the task of loosing that weight. The parts of our lives are not perfect compartments. Our entire being, physical, mental, emotional, past, and perceived future are all a part of the process. So I will begin this blog with the story of how I got fat.
HOW I BECAME FAT
Four years ago this past May (it seems like 10 years ago) I had a serious fall. I will not waste effort giving the details other than to say it did lasting damage to my body. I will struggle with my back, my mobility, and pain for the rest of my life. I am presently 43 years old. I will alleviate you of performing the math by telling you I was 39 at the time of my accident. Before the injury I felt 10 years younger and people often mistook me for younger than that. I was in excellent physical shape and very active. I enjoyed having a very active life. Camping, hiking, horseback riding, you name it. I had a very physical job cleaning homes and for a time doing construction rehab. One of my most productive and healing outlets was my work with ceramics and clay sculpture. I handled large amounts of clay and spent countless hours at the potter's wheel.
My personality required and emotional stability depended upon my ability to be in motion.
I have always been a high energy, dynamic person full of ideas and creativity. I enjoy my quite moments with reading, writing, knitting, and meditation, but these seemed to be moments of decompression and refueling rather than my natural state. All of this means that because I was functioning according to my natural needs there was a cushion that allowed me to indulge, with out consequence, in my favorite comfort foods. I am Irish American. The food on the table in my grandparents home, and consequently my home growing up, included many forms of the potato. Also my grandmother was a consummate baker, as am I. All forms of potatoes and baked goods are my decadent pleasures. They are my comfort. I did not have a poor diet. I liked fruits and vegetable and lean meats. I even like vegetarian fare. I only resorted to unhealthy diets as per necessity when dealing with poor finances.
Important note: Being poor, impoverished, is to be poor in diet. Unless you have the land available to grow your own food, inexpensive food is usually bad food.
The inability to be in motion after the injury was devastating not only to my physical being, but most importantly, my mental and emotional well being. Since this was a work related injury there was the added struggle to have my needs met. There was no physical therapy given, no real physical support or healing offered; only pain pills. As the struggle with pain and limited mobility dragged on, by November I was in serious trouble. I had gained 20 pounds, lost much of my muscle tone, and the pain medication was beginning to have terrible effects on my mental and emotional health. As the Ohio winter began taking it's hold the pain increased beyond the help of pain medication and what had already been nights of little productive sleep became nights of virtually no sleep. I spent most nights in a recliner praying for the moment when total exhaustion would finally take me to some measure of sleep.
I became a person who spent my days eating comfort foods and watching day time TV between naps. I became increasingly unstable emotionally and mentally. I was paranoid and severely depressed with moments of mania and angry fits. I refer to the winter of 2005 as the Winter of Fat and Crazy. By January of 2006 I was 180 pounds and horribly disgusted when I looked in the mirror. This did not help my mental state.
One day while escaping in the world of Myspace, I received a call from the insurance company wanting to know how I was doing. I went into a tirade. I vented all of my anger, pain and disgust at that woman. She seemed unwavered. "So I guess that means you are not doing well." she said. "We have a new doctor we would like you to see to be reevaluated." This would be the third examination they had required me to go to and the result was always the same. No help. This trip would have require me to be in a car for forty five minutes of hell to reach the appointed doctor. "Like Hell!" I screamed and slammed down the phone. I was fuming and pacing. I was fully aware at that moment of my victimhood and helplessness. Something in me bubbled up and screamed "NO!" and I knew I had to take my life back. I began making phone calls and did not stop until I had an appointment with Vocational Rehabilitation and a mental health clinic. I called my church and asked if I could volunteer in some capacity relative to my physical ability.
I received the help I needed, began fighting back, and eventually received the physical therapy I needed and some of the treatment I required. I could never go back to the work I had done before and began preparing for a new career. By January of 2007, I had much of my sanity and enough mobility to reclaim some of my former life as well as a new job; a job I love.
What I also had was 35 pounds of extra weight. I still did not feel healthy or in any way attractive. Instead of looking 10 years younger, I looked my age and then some. I felt much older than that.
My counselor and I decided that this was my new challenge. This weight represented the last remnants of my victimhood. I would not feel fully reclaimed until it was gone. In the midst of all of this I had started parimenopause. This would be an added obstacle. With the help of my doctor's advise, I determined that 140 pounds was a reasonable weight to reach and maintain for a medium frame, 5'4 woman in her forties. If I could reach the 135 mark, all the better.
So, in April of 2007, the journey began and I carried all of this baggage with me.
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